some more thoughts on faith, if you can believe that

I feel like the title of this post is funny in multiple ways!

This morning, as I was sitting in church thinking about what I can personally do to come closer to Christ, I thought about my tendency to want to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.

My friends and family know this. If someone is making plans to hang out with me, I wanna know when they're coming or when I'm going, what we're doing there, how long it will take, how much money it'll cost, where things are happening, how long it takes to drive there, what I need to bring, if anyone needs snacks, the truth about the Illuminati, where Sasquatch lives, and how many stars there are. Honestly, I might be a little more chill about it than I just made it sound like I am, but I do appreciate having a plan, even if we end up deviating from that plan. I especially enjoy knowing what the plan is to begin with.

So you can probably imagine that the whole concept of faith, in its many facets, has been considerably more difficult for me to grasp than many other gospel principles. I've mentioned before how things like faith and love are actions -- they are choices of a particular path or person, and they require us to be active participants in their growth and development. This all makes sense to me, because I've seen how living a commandment (even despite maybe not fully understanding why it's given to me) has blessed me or brought me closer to God. The evidence is all there, so I can see that the principle of faith as an action or love as an action is a true one. I can see it. So I believe it.

Today in my contemplation, though, I was thinking about how often I wish I knew what was going to happen -- or maybe just how things were all going to work out in the end. I mean, here I am, just a little human with (hopefully) lots of years of life left in her, and a lot of things I believe God has asked me to do, and no concept whatsoever of how to do them -- and what kind of situation does that put me in? Am I just meant to wander aimlessly through life, basically blindfolded, while God ricochets me from one learning experience to another like a pinball in a machine?

If that sounds ridiculous it's because it is. I am not, in fact, a pinball in a machine -- I am God's imperfect yet unbelievably loved daughter. So why on earth does it sometimes feel like God wants to keep me in the dark about some things -- particularly the means by which I will one day receive all the blessings He has promised me?

I think the answer is a little more simple than we sometimes make it sound. Firstly and most obviously, God tends to know more about what we need than we do, but some of us (*looks at self in mirror*) think we've got ourselves and our needs perfectly figured out. And so, it follows that if we were privy to all the information on His plan for us, inevitably there would be some kind of argument from us about why the plan was all wonky. I cannot tell you how many times I have told God in prayer what I thought I needed, and it turned out that I needed something entirely different.

Second, though, is the universal truth that we are meant to come here to earth to become like God, and I believe that one of the pinnacles of God's character is that He trusts in us and our souls' inherent goodness, and He trusts His Son -- therefore, this is an attribute we are expected to develop while we experience mortality.

Unfortunately for us, we're just not perfect yet, which is why it may seem to us that God is withholding necessary and important information from us. Luckily for us, God is perfect, and the best part about that is, He is super willing to give us ALL the necessary and important information we need to make the right choices we need to make right now. 

That can feel really scary for someone as plan-oriented as I am. The idea that faith is when you hope for something you can't see is great except for the not-seeing-stuff part! But the thing is, that's kind of the point. One of the principle miracles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that we can move forward with optimism and joy despite uncertainty about how things are going to pan out for us. 

That's easier said than done, definitely -- but once you have the experience of being in the dark and choosing to step forward anyway, you can understand that even when the tough things happen, you will survive them, and it is even possible for you to take those difficult times and turn them into learning experiences that will benefit you and many you love for years and years into the future. Another very comforting miracle the Gospel offers us is that any experience we have here in mortality can and should be sanctified unto us, to help us have more empathy, compassion, and love. In a way, as long as we have the Savior, the circumstances of life, be they good or poor, are simply the wheels of the vehicle that drives our character closer to that of His character.

Having faith that God is good despite not knowing whether any particular situation will be happy or painful gives us courage to move into the future with an understand that no matter what, if we turn to Him, we will receive every promised blessing that He offers to us. It doesn't change our circumstance or even necessarily make them less difficult, but it does provide some comfort or at least some sense of purpose when we need some of that on our journey back to God.

In conclusion, it's simply true that in order to have faith, there needs to be some element of uncertainty. And while it's always nice to be sure of things, it's not essential to be sure of them in order to live a peaceful, happy life. Peace really comes when you're able to believe that God loves you in a way that makes it possible to cope with anything that you're asked to endure. 

I know that He really does. Everything about my life changed dramatically from last year to now, but through everything, I have been able to see God's hand. Sometimes I couldn't see it until afterward, but the amount of times I asked for and received His help was enormous. I testify to you that He has healed me in such specific ways that I am not a skilled enough writer to describe properly. But I know that He has given meaning to even the worst pain I've ever felt, and that honestly would be blessing enough, but He has done all that and more. I know, because of God's mercy, and because He is willing to reward my paltry attempts at having faith and being obedient, that He knows me perfectly, and that He loves me despite all the imperfections He knows are there, and that He will always help me in every situation, even if I am too blind or stubborn or simply too mortal to see it. 

Finally, remember this: if there is one thing in this life that you absolutely can trust, it is the love of God. I hope that you know this too. I hope you feel the truth of it, and that it gives you courage. Whatever you're struggling with, you can get through this -- and more than that, these experiences can become powerful testaments of God's love for you and His power to make all things new.