some thoughts about faith & hope.

I wish I was better at knowing how to begin this post. As is standard for this project of mine, I'm fixing to talk about something that is maybe not super easy to put into words. As a deeply mortal, extremely human, astonishingly flawed person, I find this a pretty daunting task. I've started and restarted this so many times I don't even know what's going to become of it; I'm just gonna write and see what happens.

I guess firstly I just want to be clear on the reason I choose to share what I do. As with most social media elements, what you see on my blog is not the full, unabridged version of my life. There's a lot more that happens than can be read about here. I'm a part-time student, a part-time employee, and a full-time friend, family member, and person, and a lot of what colors my life is the people that I am blessed to experience it with. I don't write about them very often, at least not specifically and/or categorically. That's not because I don't love the heck out of all the people I get to call mine.

It's because the reason I write here is a very specific one. I want you to know the thoughts in my head, especially when those thoughts are about Jesus Christ. I want you to be able to see the effect Christianity can have on a normal human life -- not a celebrity, not an internet sensation, not a priest or a minister, just me, Em Pew, a college student with no money and boy problems and big ideas, just like a lot of young adults. I want you to know that Christ has been with me in both ordinary and extraordinary moments. I want you to hopefully connect some of the things I write about to your own experience.

In doing this, I realize I am far from perfect. My relationship with the Savior is developmental. It is not finished. It's a work in progress. The only credentials I can really give you about my ability to write these things is that I am honestly trying to be a better disciple of Christ than I have been in the past. Some days, I make forward progress. Some days, I feel like I fell down a cliff. And for a minute there, those days I fell down felt like the end of the world. I write as a living testimony that it isn't. I'm still climbing.

Due to the nature of my intent, I feel like so often the things I discuss here are the hard things. I've been fairly open with my mental health issues, self-doubts, blunders and mistakes. It's because I really want you to know that if Christ could possibly want a relationship with a piece of work like me, He wants one with you for sure.

Keeping that in mind, I thought I'd share a little bit about patience, and faith, and humility. I feel like I've always been pretty good at the commandment to love God, and the commandment to love my neighbor; but I run into more issues with the commandment to fear not, but be believing; to have hope; to really trust God.

I love to feel in control of my circumstances. One of my favorite principles of the gospel is that Christ's atoning sacrifice for me enables me to act as an agent, to choose the good part and leave the bad. I love the idea that I have charge over my destiny; "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

It wasn't until my mission that I heard anyone pose an alternative question to this line of thinking. A faithful brother in my second area quoted those very lines from the poem "Invictus", and then said, "I think these lines give people a false idea that life is up to them and that things will go according to their plans."

In my stubbornness, I silently disagreed with him; however, over the course of my mission and then my life afterwards, I've come to see what he means. OF COURSE I can choose for myself what I want to do or accomplish, and of course there are consequences, good & bad, that directly correlate to my actions, but I have to also accept that by nature of the Plan made for me & everybody, there are gonna be times when I get completely blindsided. When things get taken out of my hands and placed directly in someone else's.

I am never more uncomfortable than I am during the times when I cannot control the outcome of my situation. There are things I can do to augment things so they're partially skewed in my favor, like study really hard for a test or be open and honest with someone about how I feel about something, but in the end, whatever happens is not always up to me, and I'm serious, that kills me. It is almost my very least favorite feeling.

"But hold up!" you may think to say. "I thought that you were Christian. I thought that you knew that everything was going to be okay."

To which I'd say, "you're right. But it's almost never been that simple."

The deeper truth is that building faith is an eternal process. I'd even go so far as to say that it's exactly the same process as building a relationship with Christ. Faith comes from trust, and trust comes from getting to know someone, spending time with them, and having experiences with them that lead you to believe what they say. Sounds like building a relationship to me.

I also think the nature of that relationship is very often misconstrued. I have a lot of unanswered questions about the future, and there is so much I don't understand. Building faith in Jesus Christ doesn't at all mean that He'll give me all the answers. If that were true, I'd be feeling really insecure about my relationship with the Savior. I think it might be this false idea -- that God's love is attached to information He chooses to share with His favorite children -- that causes a lot of people to doubt God's love in times of silence from heaven.

God has not promised us all the answers to our many questions. He promised, "if any man will do [my] will, they shall know of the doctrine." (John 7:17, emphasis added) And what's the doctrine? This, from the Savior Himself:

"31 Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, I will declare unto you my doctrine.
32 And this is my doctrine, and it is the doctrine which the Father hath given unto me; and I bear record of the Father, and the Father beareth record of me, and the Holy Ghost beareth record of the Father and me; and I bear record that the Father commandeth all men, everywhere, to repent and believe in me.
33 And whoso believeth in me, and is baptized, the same shall be saved; and they are they who shall inherit the kingdom of God.
34 And whoso believeth not in me, and is not baptized, shall be damned.
35 Verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my doctrine..." (3 Nephi 11:31-35)

The doctrine is the only thing we are guaranteed to know is true, and it's dependent upon our obedience and our willingness to ask God in faith (see James 1:5).

Now, this isn't the only thing that is doctrine, nor is it the only thing we can receive revelation about. I firmly believe in God's ability to guide us personally and individually, giving us specific instructions for what to do. He has done this throughout my life. But I do believe we sometimes dictate to God about what we think we "need" to know. And I think too often our pride leads us to suspend our discipleship until we receive the answers we "need".

I know how that is. There are so many times when I have felt a desperate need to understand something, and it seems like no matter how deeply I pray, I never get to know the end of the situation. Let me tell you a very personal story to illustrate what I've learned.

I have wanted to be a mom since I was a tiny baby myself. I don't remember the last time I didn't have a list of baby names on my phone. It's just been all I've ever wanted my whole life.

I was not shocked, therefore, when I received what in the Church of Jesus Christ is called a "patriarchal blessing" (where a man with a special calling blesses you relative to your future life, usually when you're around 14-18 years old, to kind of provide you with some heavenly direction. Almost like a blueprint for your life straight from God). In that blessing the Lord told me I would be a mother (and a lot of other things, but none that I valued so much & so deeply as this).

But imagine my surprise when five years later, I would be diagnosed with PCOS -- polycystic ovary syndrome. It is the leading cause of female infertility in the United States. It just so happens that September is national PCOS awareness month! So this was well-timed.

I found this out while I was in Italy, and I didn't really know what it was, so I looked it up. As I read the symptoms and the treatment suggested, I searched my feelings to try and figure out what was going on. Intellectually, I knew I should be freaking out. But I felt a peaceful, calm assurance that things would be okay. There was, and is, a lot to be grateful for as far as my PCOS is concerned; from what I've researched, I have a comparatively mild case, and the medication I currently take for it does a lot to help my anxiety (which, unsurprisingly, is a symptom of PCOS).

It hasn't been easy since then. My initial peace about my diagnosis has ebbed and flowed; sometimes, I am certain things will be fine, and other times, I wonder how on earth I'll ever have kids. The scariest part of that is that I don't know. I can't see the future. I don't know how I'll be a mother when statistically, it is so much more difficult for me to become one.

But here's the thing: I know the doctrine. I know I am a child of God. I know the promises God has made to me. He promised I would be a mother. And I know that He will always keep his promises. And that's really all I need to know.

There is a lot that we can be uncertain about -- even faithful Christians, even Latter-day Saints. A lot of life-specific information I have sought after has yet to be given to me. I don't know what's going to happen. And yet, isn't that what faith is -- to believe in something you can't see or don't fully understand yet? Isn't that what it means to be patient -- to endure seasons of waiting and wishing and wanting with a firm knowledge that God is always faithful? And isn't that why we are commanded to have hope -- to trust that the good things we yearn for are coming, even should they arrive in packages we don't expect? To rely on the promises God has already kept to us as a testament that someday, every word He has spoken to us will be fulfilled?

This is what believing in Jesus does for me. So often we claim to know things, and I think that's beautiful and real -- but professing to believe something, or hope for something, is one of the most brilliant gifts of being a Christian. I don't know the how of everything -- I don't have eyes to see everything God has in store. But I do believe that in a coming day, I will understand the necessity of my experiences, good & bad. I believe that these moments of uncertainty will give way to deeper peace, a surer knowledge, and a happier Em. I hope for that coming day. I hope to be someone's wife. I hope to be the mother to my children. I hope for the things I don't know yet.

And for all I've said I don't know, I'd like to end with some things that I do.

I know there is a God. It's a fact. I've seen too much to deny it. I also know, through many trials and other experiences, that He loves me. There has been too much irrefutable evidence on that point for me to doubt it, ever. I know that God longs for His children to come unto Him; I especially learned this as I was blessed to feel God's love for His people in South Carolina. I also know, as the queen of messing things up, that repentance is the process of becoming more like Jesus by forsaking specific things in order to more fully follow Him. I also know that it works. There is no sin you cannot beat with the help of the Savior. I tell you this from personal experience. I do dumb stuff all the time, and I'm constantly having to figure out why I do that dumb stuff, re-evaluate my beliefs about life, and figure out which of them is causing the dumb behaviors so that I can fix it. I couldn't even begin to know how to do that without Christ.

Lastly, I know without any doubt that Jesus is who He said He is. He is our Savior. He is our Exemplar. He is my most trusted friend. He is my rock. He is what I turn to when I'm unsure or unsteady, and He's been there every single time. I know that if you turn to Him for peace and comfort, even if life gets weird & hard, you will be given the knowledge and skills you need to make it through any trial. Not only that, but you'll be able to find joy during the waiting, the wanting, and the wishing. I know this because it has happened to me, and because I am blessed enough to have watched other people make the choice to turn to Him. I have seen the real difference it makes.

I invite everyone reading these words to get down on your knees and pray. Ask the Lord your questions -- ask Him if He's really there. It can be simple. It doesn't even have to be spoken. I testify that while I don't know what your experience will be, I do know that God answers sincere prayers. Not always immediately. Not always according to your plan. But the answer will always come if you really look for it. I know these things. I have experienced them firsthand.

I beg you to let God in. Let Him be a bigger part of your life. Let Him bless you. He loves you and He always will.

I know it.