Fede, Speranza, Carità

Wow, wild week!

I arrived in Italy Monday night. It's been a wonderful week of exploring my cool little northern Italian town, getting to know my host family, and seeing Design Week in Milan (which really felt like a chick flick moment, might I add).

Salone Del Mobile has left me feeling very inspired. For six hours I got to walk around a world-famous display of interior/exterior design elements from acclaimed designers throughout the world. My mind was absolutely blown, and it was super cool to have the lid explode off the top of what I thought was possible as far as design. I kept notes of things I saw that got my gears turning. I'd like to go back there someday -- but not just to look, to work!

It's become so clear to me that part of Christ's reason for sharing the talent parable is because He knew how many of us would hide not only our talents but our personalities.

I saw a sign at Salone Del Mobile that read: "Build your own dreams or someone else will hire you to build theirs." And that got me thinking: what do I want to build? Am I laying the foundation or am I just looking at a spot thinking it'd make a nice place for a structure to go up? Or worse, am I already knee-deep in dirt, digging the foundations for someone else's dream?

I have learned that God wants us so badly to be ourselves. He wants us to like what we like and be passionate about things. He doesn't want you to be like everyone else. Over the weekend I learned that I cry when presented with over 30,000 options for lighting design... And that, my friends, is not a bad thing! We are meant to embrace what really moves us, and I feel like so many of us don't do that because we don't think life works that way or there's no way to earn money by doing that or that life is mostly supposed to be boring anyway.

I actually had a teacher tell me that in high school. She told our class, "adult life is just hum-drum all the time, with moments of excitement." And, partially because I did not like her very much and partially because I legitimately disagree, I was like, "well, maybe for you!" And maybe I'm just easily excited (see: cried over 30,000 options for lighting design, above) but I do not live that kind of life, and I'm officially an adult for like 3 years now! The point is, I kinda believe that it's hard to have joy when you're bored outta your pants, and we're taught that that's the reason we're here: to have joy.

So here I am again, telling you to take the risk. Like honestly, it's never too late. Do what makes you happiest, even if you've got no idea how it's going to work out. God did not create you for a life of hum-drum mediocrity. He created you to be who you are! And maybe that's not a big loud dramatic thing, but regardless, there is something you're not embracing about yourself because fear is holding you back. Stop that, okay? Do what you have to do to build your dream. It takes work and it takes courage but it's literally what you were made to do. You were made to choose what will bring you greatest joy.

A lot of this is a pep talk to myself because I forget sometimes. I spend a lot of time trying to create/become/build everyone else's dreams, and over time I've realized that a lot of that is because I had entirely given up on my life ever being what I wanted it to be. So if I couldn't have my dreams, then I could make up for it by making sure that everyone else could! Sort of. Kind of. Not really.

And I'm not saying it's bad to support others in their dreams and help wherever possible. No, I am a staunch advocate for that. What I'm saying is, it took a while for me to realize it, but time hadn't run out for me, and it hasn't for you. What you do matters. It will either carry you toward or away from your dream.

So from now on, I'm not settling for things that only barely scratch the surface but do not satisfy. I will not only build other people's dreams, I will actively build my own. I commit to you to work my patushka off so that I can live a life of dream-building. I hope you will too.

And so, while this week has been full of its ups and downs and revelations, in closing, let me share with you a superzoom on today. This morning, in fact.

I was going to church.

It is 3 miles from my house to the church, which is the farthest I've been since my mission, but considering that I'm in Italy, still pretty close. And since my host family wasn't going to be awake by the time church started, I was going to make my pioneer ancestors proud and walk.

So that is what I did!

Until I got to the freeway.

Reader, it is a bad idea to walk across the freeway. No matter where you are. Bad idea.

So I called an Uber and she came from the airport and dropped me off at the alleged church building. It was a car dealership. And I was ten minutes late. I thought I was in the right spot but didn't really know where to go. I could hear them singing as I ran around the building trying frantically to get in, but for the life of me I couldn't find the entrance.

I finally, through tears, said a fervent prayer expressing to Heavenly Father the desires of my heart. I told Him how badly I wanted to go to church, and how I felt like I really needed it. And five minutes later I was sitting outside the chapel room.

Did I mention I was crying? Yeah, I was crying a lot. Also, I was alone.

So after the sacrament was over, I came into the chapel. Still crying, by the way. And I sat by this woman who found a couple who spoke English and could translate for me. And I literally couldn't stop crying.

Do you want to know why?

It's because the feeling of relief that I had when I walked into that building was overwhelming. I had had a stressful morning. I wanted so badly to be able to do what is right. And I hadn't been to church the week before because of Conference, and I am across an ocean from all my friends and family, but when I walked through those doors, all the knots of anxiety in my mind smoothed themselves away.

This was incredibly faith-building to me. It wasn't anything anyone said (because I didn't understand most of it anyway) -- so why did I feel so wonderful?

Do you want to know why?

Because the Church of Jesus Christ is restored on the earth and I am a member. Because He heard my prayer. Most of all, because His Spirit was there in that building to testify to me that I was in the right place. I belonged there, American, pale, blond-haired and all.

Me. Exactly who I am. My likes, my dislikes, my strengths, my functions and dysfunctions, my thoughts, my dreams, all of it. No matter what stupid or not-so-stupid things I cry about. No matter who I've hurt or who's hurt me, I belong to God, and He is most clearly found through living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in His Church.

I am so grateful for Jesus. He and I have had some very tender moments these past two weeks I've been away. I am grateful that He can find me no matter how hopelessly lost I am.

Think of that. Think of Him, especially. Remember, as Easter comes, what He did to make sure you could find peace again.

Ciao a tutti,

Emily