Travel Jitters - a New World

A new world calls across the ocean
A new world calls across the sky
A new world whispers in the shadows
Time to fly, time to fly

Just a few days, and we're not in Kansas anymore, folks.

Well, actually, I've never been to Kansas. I've never been to Paris either. But I'm not going to Kansas, I'm going to Paris. Kansas feels safer right now. They speak English in Kansas. They have a lot of corn fields. I can get behind that.

Paris has been a dream of mine. If I'm being honest, I never thought I would see it in person. Especially not by myself. Of course, if you'd asked me in high school, a solo trip to Paris was probably the best, most ideal situation ever, of all time. I loved being alone.

But now?

It's about one moment
The moment before it all becomes clear
And in that one moment
You start to believe there's nothing to fear
It's about one second
And just when you're on the verge of success
The sky starts to change
And the wind starts to blow

There is a version of myself that only shows itself late at night. It's the timid part of me that's been nonexistent virtually my whole life, and it quietly but firmly asks me a question every night: "do you really think you can do this?"

On braver nights, I tell myself that the answer is "of course! Scary, but fun! You're gonna love it!"

On nights like last night, I don't even answer. I don't like to lie, but I also don't like to admit it when my fear overwhelms me.

And oh, you're suddenly a stranger
There's no explaining where you stand
And you didn't know
That you sometimes have to go
‘Round an unexpected bend
And the road will end
In a new world

It's hard to explain where I'm at right now.

On the one hand, I have no idea what to expect. I have never been outside the country before. I've heard a lot about the places I'll be visiting, but not having been there myself, I'm not sure what I can believe. And different people experience different places differently.

It's also a pretty long trip. I mean, 18 months was really long, but for some reason, the 89 days between me and home on this trip seem like 89 years. Maybe it's what I'm leaving behind, maybe it's that my mission was my most obvious next step and this is less obvious, maybe I'm nervous about being so far from home. Either way, it feels like a bigger jump even than a choice to live across the country for a year and a half.

A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by

I'm so scared. But I really kind of feel like I owe this to myself, you know? I say a lot about taking risks, about being brave, but where am I when it really counts?

Do I keep the promises I've made to myself -- to seize opportunities when they come, to ignore internal and external voices that doubt my abilities, to live the kind of life I wish I was already living?

It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow

And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

I used to think I wasn't afraid of trying new things. Hahahaha. Hahajajajajahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha hahahahajahahaha.

Ha.

You have a house in the hills
You have a job on the coast
You find a lover you're sure you believe in
You've got a pool in the back
You get the part of your life
You hold the ring in your hand
But then the earthquake hits
And the bank closes in
Then you realize you didn't know anything
Nobody told you the best way to steer
When the wind starts to blow

No, but I am scared of trying new things. The only reason I thought I wasn't is because...well... I do new things. All the time. The fear doesn't go away, you just get accustomed to it.

And you're suddenly a stranger
All of a sudden
You life is different than you planned
And you'll have to stay ‘til you somehow find a way
To be sure of what will be
Then you might be free
A new world crashes down like thunder
A new world charging through the air
A new world just beyond the mountain
Waiting there, waiting there
A new world shattering the silence
A new world I'm afraid to see
A new world louder every moment
Come to me, come to me!

So, we've established that I'm scared. We've established that it won't be easy to navigate a foreign place on my own. We've established that I have no idea what I'm doing. This is, quite literally, a new world for me. And for years I have thought that I would never get the chance to see it. I have learned that I am afraid of the person I could be. And I might never stop being scared.

So, it's time for me to just accept that I'm afraid and welcome the new world that's coming. It's fast and furious and relentless and I'm terrified, but I'm standing on the edge of it, and I need to step off the edge to see what awaits.

"If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."

*Italicized portions are lyrics from A New World by Jason Robert Brown