Real Talk

In high school I went to an unbelievable program called "Be The Change". It was an absolutely indescribable experience focused on letting down the walls around our true selves and using who we really are to change the world.

One of the exercises we did was called "Real Talk" where we would sit in small groups of strangers and share things about ourselves most people didn't know, starting with the phrase, "if you really knew me".

Today, for those of you who read my words but don't really know me, I'd like to introduce myself using some real talk. This might be the scariest thing I ever write and let people read, because so much of me is in these words, and a lot of it is information you wouldn't know unless I told you. So here I am, telling you. Hopefully you can see me clearer.

If you really knew me, you'd know my name isn't Em, it's Emily. You'd know I changed it in the seventh grade when I got fed up with how many Emilies I knew, and it stuck. If you really knew me, you'd know I actually don't mind being called Emily. In fact, I kind of love it. But Em suits me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I love action movies, and that my room is usually a mess. You'd know I prefer mornings to evenings and I'd rather listen to soft music than loud. You'd know I absolutely love slow dancing, and you'd know I love the rain. You know that I don't like hot chocolate, and I love warm blankets, decorative stickers, and good, thought-provoking books. You'd know I love to look nice but oftentimes don't have time in the morning because my family does family prayer and scriptures, which is quite alright with me. 

If you really knew me you'd know I have an auditory memory. This means that I tend to remember better what people say than what they look like. I'm particularly good at remembering the nice things people say about me. If you really knew me, you'd know that these small things people have said mean a lot to me.

Even if you didn't really know me, you'd know that anxiety is something that has been a part of my life for quite some time, but it's not the biggest, best part of me. What you wouldn't know unless you really knew me, though, is that there was a time when I was not healed and didn't really want to be, because I wasn't sure what being okay would feel like. But I'm so happy now that I decided to get some help.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a very solid sense of self, as well as a propensity to think deeply about my life and circumstance. You'd know that I haven't always been this way, but I became this way because I realized that I can take control of my life, and the only way for me to do this is to be honest with myself. You'd know that I love to discuss deeper topics with friends and family, and I'm very curious about the experiences of others, and I love to learn from them. If you really knew me, you'd also know that I can't stand lies, withholding truth, or refusal to communicate. I try my best to be totally honest, and I'm usually very willing to share how I'm feeling.

If you really really knew me, you'd know someone who has struggled to find a place she belonged her whole life. I felt that I truly belonged only once in my life, for a period of four months, in a small town in South Carolina called Inman, but never before -- and in very few moments since. I don't say that to make anyone feel bad -- I have wonderful friends who are very inclusive and reach out to me to make sure I am safe and happy. It's not that I feel that no one cares about me, or that people don't like me. It's more like I feel like I speak a different language. It's not that people don't want me there, it's that I don't always fit. Most of the time, I'm fine with this; individuality is the spice of life. But sometimes, it hurts so bad I can't stand it, and I just want to belong somewhere.
If you really knew me, you'd know my family is everything to me. I love them so much and want to be with them forever. They are the joy of my life, my closest friends, my constant support and my best examples. I'm so grateful to have grown up with two exemplary older brothers, both of whom served missions and have now married beautiful, imperfectly perfect women whom I love dearly; three younger brothers, who were constantly making sure I didn't take myself too seriously; and a little sister who watched me so closely that I knew I had to be better than I was. Without these inspirations, I would be nowhere close to the person I am today; and if you really knew me, you'd also know them.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm a hopeless romantic. You'd know that I want to plan weddings just to hear the love stories and be a part of them, and you'd know that I pray, often, for whoever the man is that I will one day marry. I think about him frequently and try to live up to the person I imagine that he is -- someone loving and kind, who focuses on the needs of others and does his best to honor the responsibilities he has. I am hoping to one day be a mother, and if you really knew me you'd know that I believe motherhood is the best thing I will ever do.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I write because I struggle to verbalize how I feel. I trip over words a lot and lose my train of thought. Writing gives me an opportunity to read over my feelings to make sure I've got it all down the way it's happening inside me. If you really knew me, you'd know I wonder if some of the things I say even translate into emotion. I wonder if you, reader, can understand me better because of what I say, or if I become more and more a mystery. If you really knew me, you'd know I don't like being misunderstood, and never once have I wanted to be mysterious.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I worry a lot. About a lot of things. Mostly, people. That I love. If I've told you that I love you, I worry about you every day. It's not something I consider a bad thing; I don't have ulcers or anything, and I'm not losing sleep. But I'm aware that some of you aren't okay, and so I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can improve your life. If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm an aggressive problem-solver, which sometimes is very helpful, and sometimes really not; but you'd also know that as much as I'd like to fix the problem, I'm learning that I can't always do that, and I'm trying my best to just listen without offering advice.

If you really knew me, you'd know I'm fascinated by faith. I have always had a testimony of Jesus Christ, but it was never really unique to me until I served a mission. If you really knew me, you'd know I have a lot of questions, but it really all comes down to how I feel or have felt when living the principles I've been taught since I was very small. I know the Book of Mormon to be true; I know, therefore, Joseph Smith is a prophet. I know Jesus Christ is the Savior, and that He loves us. I know that families can be together forever and that there is life after death. I don't know much else, but I believe a lot of things. If you really knew me, you'd know that I believe faith is not as complicated as we make it out to be, and if we focus on the Savior and becoming like Him, we are doing the right thing. If you really knew me, you'd see how hard I try to be like Him, and how often I fall short; but you'd also know that I joyfully believe that God still loves me for my trying, no matter how not great it is.
The final thing I'd like you to know about me is that I really do love you -- for who you are now as well as for who you can become. I love you for reading. I love you for trying, and I love you even when you're not okay, which everyone at one point in their life experiences. I want you to know that you have a place with me, a friend in me. I know I'm not always the best at showing it, and I know that I'm imperfect in my love for you, but I'm trying, and I'm hoping that one day, I'll be 100% perfect at it. Remember that, okay? Remember that I love you, and I always have, and I always will.
All my love,
Em