September

September. Beginning of fall. The sweaters come out, scarves are unpacked, hot chocolate purchases skyrocket. The leaves start to change and the air almost tastes different. I love September for many reasons, but that vibrant feeling, the crispness in your lungs from that sharp air just makes me feel like something good is coming.

For some people, though, September is the beginning of a different season.

For some people, September is when they remember the pain of the wintertime. For some people, September is kind of like standing on the edge of a cliff with not much of a ledge. September can be terrifying.

September is the beginning of "down" season for many people who experience mental health issues. That's 1 in 4 people in the country, by the way. And also, 90% of those men & women who take their own lives have significant diagnosable mental health issues at the time of their death. For that reason, September is also suicide awareness and prevention month, and without whining or taking up too much of your time tonight, I'd like to tell you a story, and share some things with those of you that love someone who has a mental illness, and also share some things with those of you that are struggling yourselves.

This story is mine and I'll make it quick, because a lot of you have heard it before. I sum up my experiences with mental health like this poem by Sara Teasdale:

I am alone, in spite of love,
In spite of all I take and give --
In spite of all your tenderness,
Sometimes I am not glad to live.

I have the most wonderful people in my life. I have relatively few real external trials. My circumstances and my life in general are both incredibly blessed. But sometimes, in spite of it all, the pain of simply living is somewhat overwhelming for me.

So here's the first thing I want to say to those of you who love someone who suffers from depression or anxiety or any of the myriad of mental health ailments there are to be had: your loved one might have every reason to be happy, but since it has nothing to do with the circumstances one is in, their feelings are going to be somewhat untied from their experiences. It might not make sense to you, but it doesn't have to. It's exactly like the common cold. Rich people get it. Poor people get it. People who are lonely get it as well as people who have a family who loves them. It isn't a respecter of persons.

And to you who are in the thick of a mental health problem or just a mental health episode or even if you're kinda like me right now: you don't need to feel bad for feeling bad. You may have everything going for you, but you can still struggle. That's okay. It doesn't matter what's happening in your life, you are actually never obligated to be okay. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling, or not feeling, and that'll help you process things better.

Now, there was a time in my life where I did feel like suicide was a viable option. That is not my reality anymore and I'm so grateful. A couple of things that really made a huge difference for me were professional help, self-care, and people who cared.

So first let's talk about those things we can control, which is the care and attention we give ourselves, and some ideas about how to execute that better. For me, and for most mentally ill people, setting goals for improvement weekly is really helpful. It doesn't have to be big stuff either. For me, it was "get more sleep" at first. Then, "eat three full meals every day". Slowly I transitioned to "don't procrastinate homework", and finally, "help others". Over time, as I've gotten more stable, my goals have changed, become more creative, more about thriving than just surviving. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. Some good ideas for you if you're barely making it right now:
 Get a full 8 hours of sleep. I know you have 10000 excuses for not doing that, but just try. It makes a huuuge difference.
 Exercise daily. I know that sounds like the last thing you wanna do when you feel like poop, but I swear to you, exercising releases endorphins even though you might feel like death while you're actually in the act. And when your physical body feels better, your mind will follow.
 Drink water. I know that may seem silly, but it cleans you out and it'll help you have more energy. I'm still not the best at it. But I notice a huge difference on the days I drink more water. I think a lot clearer.

Another thing a lot of people roll their eyes at, that has to do with taking care of yourself: asking for help. That's why we have each other. Use the resources you have - those people who have your best interests at heart. If you don't feel like you have anyone like that, firstly, you're wrong. Secondly, talk to me. I'd be happy to help you if you're struggling and need a hand. Another resource is professional help. I did 6 months with a professional counselor and for me that was so good. It's a good idea to shop around for one that might be a good fit for you. My parents were lucky and hit the jackpot with the first one. But please don't give up on the benefits of counseling before you've given it adequate time to work, and before you've found a counselor or therapist who speaks your language. Obviously it won't solve every issue, and there are some aspects of mental health that are completely out of our control. But self care is not one of those things, and we do have the obligation to do what we can to not feel like garbage. Even if that's not a whole lot.

So that's a little on how we take care of ourselves. And now, to take care of others.

Like I said before, you may not understand the experience of dealing with a mental illness. The good news is, you don't have to. Nowhere in the nonexistent rulebook for caretakers and friends does it say you have to get it to help out. Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half made an analogy for mental illness, saying it's like carrying around a bunch of dead fish. Some people will try to help you find them, even though you have them, they're just dead. Some people will try to tell you you can just make them be alive again. Some people will offer to take your fish or get you new fish.

But the best people are the ones who are like, "yep. Those are some dead fish. But I still like you."

As close as you can get to approximating that, to saying, "you've got some stuff going on in your life right now that I'm not sure I understand, but I'll be here with you while you try and figure out what to do about it" is probably the sweetest thing you could ever do.

Now, just know, all yall. You are loved. You are important. And you have amazing potential to make a difference. And even if it seems like there is nothing left to fight for, please know that I am living proof that you can make it past this. I promise you that I live in the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's there.

It almost ended one March, but by the grace of God, I'm still here for this September, and it's beautiful. So stick around for this September and the next, and the months in between.

You never know what could change.

Love,
Em